moving backwards.... Seek & Hide

When I think back at how this journey began, I can't help but to laugh at myself.  The possibilities of going to Africa were enormous, huge, the first step of what I knew would be SO much more.  Not sure what the more is? just know God has something more in store for myself and James.

I laugh because going to Africa is just a given, I am just waiting on the call.  I couldn't say that in September, I  searched it as if I  would be going to Africa to bring home my child.  In my heart, it was much bigger than what it is, it wasn't just about being a travel partner.

So I started seeking some answers.  Shots, passports, costs, my job... my family.   I would need a slew of shots, that I was told would not be covered under insurance, estimated cost, $1000.  I would need a passport, total cost $200.00, plane ticket-estimated $1500, time off work.  Estimated cost of trip:  $3600

Another huge concern for me going on this trip was and is my health.  I said in the begininning, I would be real in writing this blog.  So, I might not say this out loud or ever share it with you again but for this purpose I will share.  Most days, I don't feel good.  It is part of who I am now and I just roll with it but from time to time I have flare ups and no matter how hard I try to overcome them, they overcome me.  

To describe it best I would say my body always feels like I have the flu.  Sore to the touch~bruised like, achey joints, no energy.  PLEASE understand, I don't tell you this to have you pitty me or think I've given up.  It's quite the opposite.  I don't allow conditions to control the outcome of my day, I push through it and have learned to manage it, mostly now without meds.  

I have also learned that when I push through too much, too often, I can't control the outcome.  My body shuts down for a few days, usually with some type of medical condition.  This concerns James, therefore it concerns me.  I don't want to go half way around the world to serve, be Jesus' hands and feet, and not be able to physically use them. 

Considering cost, my body and all the what if's... I have to believe this is me wanting what I want and it's time  to let this  go.  Afterall, I could use that money for sooo many things we want for our house.